A quote from "The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck":
"If people cheat, it's because something other than the relationship is more important to them. It may be power over others. It may be validation through sex. It may be giving in to their own impulses. Whatever it is, it's clear the cheater's values are not aligned in a way to support a healthy relationship. And if the cheater doesn't admit this or come to terms with it, if he just gives the old "I don't know what I was thinking; I was stressed out and drunk and she was there" response, then he lacks the serious self awareness necessary to solve any relationship problems.
"What needs to happen is that the cheaters have to start peeling away at their self-awareness onion and figure out what fucked-up values caused them to break the trust of the relationship (and whether they actually still value the relationship). They need to be able to say, "You know what: I am selfish. I care about myself more than the relationship; to be honest, I don't really respect the relationship much at all." If cheaters can't express their shitty values, and show that those values have been overridden, then there's no reason to believe that they can be trusted. And if they can't be trusted, then the relationship is not going to get better or change."
There is a lot of good stuff in TSAONGAF - once I've finished reading it, I want to re-read it taking notes. The section above seem very appropriate to my current situation.
Q: Have I cheated on my wife?
A: Yes
Q: Do I feel bad about it?
A: Not very.
Q: Do you value the relationship with your wife?
A: No
Let me explain the final answer.
I've been with my Thai wife now since around 2010 (met her in 2009). We were boyfriend/girlfriend for a long time. In February 2020, just before covid, we got married. Getting married was the wife's idea. If she'd never suggested it, I never would have asked her. I hate marriage, it's basically ancient property law, and has no place in the modern world. There's no need for marriage - if two people love each other enough, or they compliment each other in a certain way, they will stay together for ever, they don't need legislature. I think marriage can ruin an otherwise good relationship.
I should never have got married. I know this. I still like my wife though. I don't hate her. I don't want to hurt her. I just don't want to be with her very much.
My wife had always been thin until we got married (13 years of uninterrupted slimness). I visited her 2.5 years later after Covid (yes, I did not miss her in that time - hardly at all - she's never been to my home country). And she was fat (not very fat, just definitely not slim.) Being fat is a disappointment (my mum is fat, all my life, thin dad and fat mum, I never wanted to be in the same situation, thin husband, fat wife) but isn't the final nail in relationship for me. The final nail was that she didn't want to do anything.
I've visited the wife once or twice a year since 2009. Usually maximum 10 days (any longer and the boredom gets too much - I want to go home and do some work.) Over time she's got lazier and lazier (more and more boring). She doesn't want to walk anywhere. She has no enthusiasm to do anything. She's certainly not a positive person (calling her negative would be unfair.) All she really wants to do is stay in the nice air-conditioned hotel room and watch TV. I dislike TV (especially when she's watching Thai TV and it's some trashy gameshow/soap opera/comedy in Thai language which I don't understand) - I never watch TV at home.
When I visit her, I'm on holiday. I want to relax and enjoy myself. But I'm not relaxed when I'm with her. And I don't enjoy myself. I end up disliking her presence. And returning home is often met with a feeling of relief ("thank goodness, I'm by myself and free again, I can be me"). So this latest holiday, I cancelled the trip to Pattaya, but not the flight.
Age can do strange things to people. Some people age a lot. Others hardly so. My wife has changed more in the time we've been together than me. Time can naturally make people drift apart too (which is why I've always been anti-marriage.) People age at different rates and in different ways. If you have children, the motivation to stay in a relationship for the sake of the children is strong, if you don't (I don't) that motivation is not there.
My motivation for being in the relationship may have been wrong in the first place. I definitely liked her company. Certainly at the start, was relaxing spending time together. Then the disappointments started to kick in.
And I've always felt animosity at my giving her a £500 salary every month (that's every month for 13 years now and many times I've helped her out with her domestic emergencies). She does nothing for me. I owe her nothing. Still, I care enough to help her out every month, also she has nice daughters and I care about them too.
There's nothing wrong with being in a (financial) sponsor & donor relationship if the one without the money has something to give back, to balance the relationship - maybe she's very good company, maybe she's an excellent cook, maybe she takes very good care of her man, maybe something else .... Alas, my wife offers very little in return. She doesn't try to develop herself. She's happy to watch endless TV and get fat. She does not read books. She does nothing to make herself interesting. I don't think she's grown (as a person) much at all in all the time I've known her. Which is a shame as she's intelligent. And truthfully we have very little in common. Sometimes she feels like a yoke around my neck.
Re-visiting her 2.5 years after COVID, how was my feeling!? Honestly, I wasn't happy, I was bored, I wanted to be on my own.
The relationship is over. Maybe it never really started. I cannot keep pretending to her that everything is okay. Helping her is something I will do (even if I wish I wasn't regularly sending her money.)
Or is it!? No matter how many times I say it is over, it never feels that way. I wish I could be more decisive. The reality is that if it isn't my wife, it won't be anyone for the rest of my life. Let's see how the feeling is after my flight on Wednesday 8th.
~~~~~
More quotes and some red flags:
17 Signs Your Relationship Is Over and What to Do | Paired
Q: How to know if your relationship is over?
A: Lack of emotional connection
If you no longer feel excited to be with someone and lack any curiosity to know that person on a deeper level, or grow their understanding of who you are, it may be a sign that your relationship is ending its course.
A. Unhealthy communication (minimal communication)
A. Lack of physical intimacy (sleeping two different sides of a bed - don't want to touch - twin beds - like for friends - would be better)
A. You don’t care enough to argue
A. You look forward to breaks from them (when I'm with her, I'm happy to get away)
A. You don’t miss them when you’re apart (honestly, COVID wasn't a big deal, I don't feel the need to see her again)
A. You feel drained after spending time together (my Thai holidays to see the wife, aren't the relaxing enjoyment they should be - they end up being a very expensive failure)
A. You don’t treat each other with respect (yes, I'm not treating her with respect, but neither is she, she is taking me for granted, taking it for granted that I'll keep coming even when she puts no effort into herself, and lets herself go)
Again, I must stress, I don't hate the wife (not yet anyway.)
