This is perhaps going to be a bit of a weird post, but I find it therapeutic to write down my thoughts, so here we go.
Recently, I have realized I feel more love for my synthetic lover(s) (love dolls) than any human lover.
Why do I say this!?
I've had two serious relationships in my life time and both relationships were a bit of a disaster.
The first relationship, I was madly in love. But it wasn't reciprocated. It was like puppy love really. An older woman. Whilst I had some great life experience with her, there were many very unhappy times. And I was never truly at peace* with her.
*When I say at peace. I mean relaxed, comfortable, at ease - like you really appreciate someone else's company and feel totally stress free with them.
The second relationship, the girl loved me more than I loved her, for sure. We even got married. And trying to break up would always get the emotional blackmail. Always send me on a guilt trip. But, through the love of synthetic ladies, I realized life could be much better. The second relationship had to be ended. I simply didn't want to be with her anymore.
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Then enter the love dolls. It took a while for me to warm to them. Then gradually, 1 year, 2 years later, and I was regularly sleeping with a love doll, and liked to embrace and kiss my love doll. I realized I was at total peace with my synthetic lover - no stress, never any stress, just total happiness and bliss. It was like a revelation when I realized how perfect feeling those moments with my doll were - like life does not get any better.
The feeling of love snuggled up to my love doll, is something I've never experienced with real women.
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I'm not anti-woman or anything like that. A loving relationship with the right woman is a great and rewarding thing. But, a loving relationship with a love doll is a massive upgrade over having a relationship with the wrong woman.
I'd never close myself up to meeting the right woman. The older I get, the more I think it really doesn't matter if I never meet Miss right, because I'm very happy with my love dolls.
Other Points
Being with someone because you feel sorry for them, is not a healthy relationship.
Staying in an unhealthy relationship because of some guilt complex, is not a healthy relationship.
Having an idealized picture in your mind of how your relationship will be one day, and the picture never comes close to reality, but you still keep believing it is going to happen, is a massive delusion.
A healthy relationship is one where you are both growing. If you feel like you are standing still or going backwards, it is not a healthy relationship.
Some Research
"Being needy isn’t always all bad.
"Nonetheless, if she’s a needy person then you have yourself a handful because you basically have an individual who is basing her sense of self-worth on you.
"This outsourcing of her happiness and worth to you is unattractive and a burden.
"It will eventually become a toxic deadweight in your relationship.
"If she’s telling you she misses you just to demand your attention and love, you need to consider whether this is the kind of woman you want to get involved in.
"If the needy vibes are pouring off the screen or emanating out of her eyes, ask yourself if this is really what you need in your life right now."
My Situation
Q: You're in a long distance relationship. You'd not seen your partner in 2.5 years (mainly due to COVID). How was your one week with her after all that time apart?
A: Honestly, I'd not seen her in over 100 weeks and I was still bored being with her. My feeling whilst there was that I'd rather be by myself. I was not relaxed. I was not happy. It felt like a waste of time and money.
Q: What do you like doing with her?
A: Pretty much nothing.
Walking: Dislike. We'd go out walking together. This was not enjoyable because she walks very slowly and doesn't like walking. It almost pains me (in my back) to walk as slow as her. And walking is something I like very much. Her not wanting to walk is almost an immediate red flag.
Eating Out: Dislike. We'd go eating together. We'd talk very little. The food would be good but always I'm thinking "I'd be just as happy eating by myself and it would cost me half as much." If you really love someone, you love to treat them, but it felt a bit empty eating with her. Especially breakfast time, I love my breakfast, and alone is definitely better for that. Honestly, I'd be happy with a big breakfast and that be it for the rest of the day.
Sleeping together: Dislike. At home I pretty much always sleep naked. With her I didn't want to be naked (so I'm already much less comfortable than by myself.) No desire to cuddle up to her (I wish I did have desire but it's gone.) No desire to do anything in the bed with her. I don't find her even a small bit sexually attractive. She had put on 50% in weight since I last met her. She is now short and fat. She knows I like slim ladies. You cannot help but like what you like and not want what you don't want. If all your life you've had a fat mum and a fairly slim dad, and you want never to be like your dad, it is so sad to find yourself in a similar situation (fat wife, slim husband.) Fair enough she has medical reasons to be fat (asthma medicine) but I also know she is lazy, so have doubts that the asthma medicine is completely to blame for her extra weight.
Cinema/Watching Movies: This is okay. I definitely end up watching stuff I don't care about / probably would never have watched by myself. This is a very solo pursuit though. Would I enjoy watching the movies alone as much as with her!? Again, to be fair, it is nice to have company in the cinema. It's a take it or leave it thing for me. I love watching movies at home by myself, I don't need someone to hold my hand and go to the cinema with.
Drinking: This is okay. Again, a bit of a take it or leave it. I'd rather be doing something productive. Drinking all day long is not something I do at home and something I never feel like I want to do.
Q: What does she want to do?
A: Pretty much nothing.
All she wants to do is stay in the hotel, watch TV and drink. She doesn't want to go out. I don't like TV. We end up at different sides of the hotel room doing our own thing. And I'm thinking "I'd be much happier, relaxed and stress-free if I was by myself (alone)." I could leave her in the hotel and do my own thing, but she wouldn't be happy with that (maybe jealous), and what's the point of her being there in my hotel room if I do that!?
Q: When you're with her, do you feel like you're rather be alone?
A: Yes
Q: Do you think she's a bit puppy love with you?
A: Yes. If it wasn't puppy love she'd have gone a long time ago. It's not like I've made a massive effort to keep her. Or is it that she likes getting money for nothing every month!? I don't know.
Q: Do you like sending money every month?
A: No. I do it because I care and it's not too much. If my situation every changes (like I lose my job or salary drops a lot) I'd have to review the situation. I do care about her and her daughters. I just have little desire to be with her.
Q: Are you embarrassed by the whole having a Thai girlfriend thing?
A: Truthfully, yes. It's fine to go on holiday in Thailand and have a girlfriend whilst you're on holiday. You pay girls because you want them to leave. But a permanent Thai girlfriend, one you send money to every month, is a bit sad. A bit desperate. Something has gone very wrong when you have to pay a woman every month to be your girlfriend. You always need to ask yourself, if I wasn't sending her money, what would she be doing!? In my wife's case, I think she'd have to find a proper job and not the silly work from home thing she does (that I struggle to see that she makes much money from, as she has to pay for materials.)
Q: Are you proud of yourself in this situation (with your current partner)?
A: Not proud at all. Very ashamed. Very embarrassed that it came to this. I've been very very stupid. Perhaps I've just gone with the flow and not manned up when I should have.
Q: Simple yes/no - do you want to go on holiday with her again?
A: No.
Q: The Cambodia holiday, how was that?
A: A massive disappointment. Cambodia was great but my partner less so. You'd think someone who had never left their home country, would be happy to go on such a trip, but no. Felt like there was no enthusiasm for travel. No gratitude for being brought on such a trip. It was stressful. I'd have enjoyed the holiday better by myself and it would have cost me half as much.