I am not totally sure if my long distance relationship is working or not (I'm not wholly happy, neither am I wholly unhappy.) So here I ask the titular question and go over some things that I think are relevant to the question, with the goal of coming to an understanding.
Image: Definitely not
like my Long Distance Relationship
I've marked each answer with whether it is a positive, neutral, or negative. Since we humans usually fixate on the negative, I'll put the positives at the top of the list, followed by neutrals and negatives (trying to avoid repetition):
+ve : A positive
-00 : Neither a negative or positive (could be either way if different)
-ve : A negative
Note: This is an evolving work in progress. It might well be the best analysis ever of a Long Distance Relationship.
Answers and Explanations
A: I can't be bothered to think anymore about this
E: Last entry but I'll put it at the top. Yes, my relationship has negatives, but there's positives too. A super big positive is that I'm relaxed in the relationship (no stress). It's not a perfect relationship - and it's ridiculous to expect a perfect relationship anyway - but it's good enough. And I don't want to waste any more time thinking about it! I don't want to waste time getting to know someone else (and potentially finding the same or more pitfalls). Life is too short. Sometimes you need to accept what you've got and be grateful, and not go looking for disruption.
+ve
A She's a simple girl
E: This is a big positive for me. Note that I didn't say she's stupid, I said she's simple. I like a simple life. I don't want anyone complicated. A nice simple and uncomplicated girlfriend is a very good thing.
+ve
A: Keeping the status quo
E: A big advantage with maintaining the long distance relationship, is keeping the status quo. Relationships are not easy, and it's not easy to find someone you have a real connection with; even harder to find someone you might have a til-death-do-us-part future with. If you're already in a relationship that is okay, do you really want to toss it all away?
+ve
A: Her Daughters
E: I like her daughters, they are very nice. Two positives for two lovely daughters:
+ve
+ve
A: She’s okay
E: She’s okay (this is a good thing). She's easy company, laid back, sweet, cute, attentive; and she’s loyal and trustworthy. Multiple positives here:
+ve
+ve
+ve
+ve
+ve
+ve
+ve
+ve
+ve
+ve
+ve
A: She's low maintenance
E: This is a big positive (unless you like high maintenance ladies - I don't). Okay, I do send £500 per month but that's it, no buying expensive presents. I'm not nagged to do anything.
+ve
A: The relationship is okay
E: My honest feeling regards the relationship is that it's okay (not ideal but then is ideal ever reality). She's nice but boring (and I'm fairly boring myself).
+ve
A: I find her beautiful
E: Beauty is not the most important thing in a girlfriend. Still, I'll be totally honest and say that I find my girlfriend beautiful. I like her face very much (I don't like when she puts on makeup though!) She's definitely not got supermodel looks, other people might find her average or plain. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder!
+ve
A: Look/are the same
E: This is one thing that bugs me. Often people have said we've got the same face. Is this good or bad? I remember reading that couples often end up with someone who looks similar (sounds daft doesn't it). Also, it's been said (actually by my ex-girlfriend from before her) that we are like the same personality - is this good or bad?
+ve
+ve
A: She's low maintenance
E: This is a big positive (unless you like high maintenance ladies - I don't). Okay, I do send £500 per month but that's it, no buying expensive presents. I'm not nagged to do anything.
+ve
A: The relationship is okay
E: My honest feeling regards the relationship is that it's okay (not ideal but then is ideal ever reality). She's nice but boring (and I'm fairly boring myself).
+ve
A: I find her beautiful
E: Beauty is not the most important thing in a girlfriend. Still, I'll be totally honest and say that I find my girlfriend beautiful. I like her face very much (I don't like when she puts on makeup though!) She's definitely not got supermodel looks, other people might find her average or plain. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder!
+ve
A: Look/are the same
E: This is one thing that bugs me. Often people have said we've got the same face. Is this good or bad? I remember reading that couples often end up with someone who looks similar (sounds daft doesn't it). Also, it's been said (actually by my ex-girlfriend from before her) that we are like the same personality - is this good or bad?
+ve
A: Do I hate her?
E: Definitely not. This is a firm positive thing in a relationship.
+ve
A: She is a good woman
E: When all is said and done, she is a good woman. She cares for her children. She doesn't cheat on me (she's loyal). She doesn't do toxic things (like drugs, get drunk, ...)
+ve
A: Good karma to stay in the relationship?
E: Yes, I think it is good karma to stay in this relationship.
+ve
A: She has a nice bum
E: Enough said!
+ve
A: There are more sexy girls
E: Bit of a dumb thing to say really (I'm sure to my girlfriend there are men more sexy than me.) Sexiness is not the most important thing in a girlfriend. I have had a super sexy girlfriend, so having a super sexy girlfriend is definitely a possible positive. My girlfriend is fine.
-00
-00
A: We never kiss
E: I don’t know if this is meaningful or not (it could just be that I'm not a kisser) but I’ve
never had much desire to suck her face off. Kissing isn’t the most important thing in a
relationship.
-00
A: Tattoos
E: I'm not a fan of tattoos and she’s got a few tattoos. The big one on her back is unfinished and would actually be quite nice if she finished it. This is minor stuff though, so not a negative.
-00
A: Music
E: Our tastes in music are incompatible. She turns her music on and I'll say "less volume please", I turn my music on and she'll say "less volume please". It's not a negative that our taste in music is incompatible, just would be a positive if we liked the same (or similar) music.
-00
A: Take home to your mother
E: Is she really the girl I’d want to take home to mother? I can't really answer this. I think my mother would like her, at the same time I know my mother would love me to meet a nice local girl.
-00
A: Not in my life.
E: I’ve never exactly felt proud about having a Thai girlfriend, if anything a bit embarrassed. Certainly before I had a Thai girlfriend I would have never thought it would happen to me. This is not in the life I'd imagined for myself. There's absolutely nothing wrong with having a Thai girlfriend, so it's definitely not a negative (maybe it's been a good thing in making me more humble).
-00
A: Lack of interest in my life
E: I honestly don't think my girlfriend has any interest in my life or what I do. This is a shame - would be a very positive thing to have your partner take at least a little interest. On the other side, I do ask her about her life, ask her about her daughters - there's not usually much to say. I'm not sure if I'm expecting too much here, so I've marked this as neutral.
-00
A: Love
E: Is it there? In some ways, that I'm asking this is a negative, but then love is a very difficult thing, so since I don't know the answer, it's a neutral here.
-00
A: Is it a relationship of convenience?
E: A relationship of convenience isn't a good or a bad thing. Lots of people do it (including married couples). My girlfriend is kind-of convenient to me (I pretty much live my own life and keep my freedom for 50 weeks of the year). And I'm kind-of convenient to my girlfriend (she gets money every month).
-00
A: Is she actually the ideal girlfriend for me and I just don't realize it?
E: This cannot be positive or negative since I don't know the answer. Perhaps having an easy, low maintenance girlfriend I hardly ever see is ideal. I'm not sure about this, I mean, there are times when I want to share my life but my girlfriend is 5000 miles away, which makes that impossible (and I'm not sure she'd even appreciate the experiences I want to share - remember Cambodia.) Also, mutual caring - I'm happy to care for one special person, and I know there will be times when I'd really appreciate someone caring for me.
-00
A: DV Clearance
E: Getting DV Clearance was torpedoed for me because I had a foreign girlfriend. I’m not desperate to get DV Cleared, but having the opportunity would be a positive (not having DV Clearance hasn't hurt me).
-00
A: Is this the life I want?
E: I do not know.
-00
A: Would I be better off if I didn't have this relationship?
E: Financially I would be better off, but then I'd be missing a girlfriend, so I'd have to be neutral on this one (the answer to "any worse off" is no.)
-00
A: 5000 miles
E: The distance has to be one of the biggest negatives of a long distance relationship. If your lady lived down the street, distance would be a non-issue.
-ve
A: Communication
E: A long distance relationship surely relies on communication. Our communication - quantity and quality wise - is quite poor.
-ve
A: Rarely seeing each other
E: I see my girlfriend for perhaps two weeks in a year, this is not good for either of us.
-ve
E: The distance has to be one of the biggest negatives of a long distance relationship. If your lady lived down the street, distance would be a non-issue.
-ve
A: Communication
E: A long distance relationship surely relies on communication. Our communication - quantity and quality wise - is quite poor.
-ve
A: Rarely seeing each other
E: I see my girlfriend for perhaps two weeks in a year, this is not good for either of us.
-ve
A: I’m not very excited to go and see her.
E: I’ve been going to Thailand to see my girlfriend for years, and I do not get much feeling of excitement about going. In fact, when I do go, I end up wishing I was alone over there, and could talk to other ladies! Solitude is perhaps more companionable. Of course I like my girlfriend, but feel no desperate need to be with her.
-ve
A: Money
E: The relationship is very unbalanced. I’m totally not sure what my girlfriend does for me, and then I'm sending £500 a month. I earn a good salary and my girlfriend earns a negligible amount. It is much better to be equals in a relationship.
-ve
A: Manipulative?
E: Is she manipulating me/have I been manipulated? I did one time finish with her, and then there was all that "kill myself" rubbish and I returned (because I do care about her), so I've definitely been manipulated at least once.
-ve
A: The Cambodia trip still haunts me.
E: You’d think a girl who’s never been out of Thailand would really appreciate visiting Cambodia and seeing Angkor Wat, but no. Her reaction was like a slap in the face to me. No appreciation at all “I could have seen Angkor Wat on television”. Doesn’t bode well at all for any future holidays together - in fact it killed off any idea of ever going anywhere interesting with her.
-ve
A: She would happily watch TV endlessly - I hate TV.
E: Another thing that haunts me. All the nice places we’ve been to and the first thing she does is turn the TV on, and watch soap opera/talk show rubbish (in a foreign language).
-ve
A: Have I missed out on opportunities because of her?
E: Not sure if I’m a loyal man, or just a complete coward. I’m thinking there have been nice girls I've encountered in my life (a lovely Polish girl comes to mind), that perhaps if I hadn’t been attached for the last 8 years, maybe I would have made some better relationship with them. The grass is not always greener, but ...
-ve
A: Being held back?
E: I have felt like she is holding me back (not intentionally, just it’s not great to have a girlfriend 5000 miles away.) There might have been positive moves I would have done in my life if I hadn’t been considering her: holiday experiences for instance - going to different interesting places instead of to Thailand every year; or personal development activities... (perhaps part of maturity is acceptance of your lot)
-ve
A: Wan Lai day
E: I went to Thailand in April of 2017, after having really enjoyed Wan Lai day in 2016. Went with my teerak, and it was a miserable day. She didn’t want to partake, and then went missing for the other half of the day - a total fail. Fair enough she doesn't like Wan Lai day. If I ever go again on Wan Lai day, I must ask to accompany her daughters (who like Wan Lai day).
-ve
A: Unclear Future
E: I cannot clearly see a future together. I have little motivation
to put money in her bank account to make it possible for her to get a VISA.
Unless she wants to get her act together and motivate herself to come to
England, I have no motivation to put effort in to helping her with a VISA
application.
-ve
A: Go-Go bars
E: I would like the freedom to go to Go-Go bars by myself. Really, this leads to a simple question "do you want a girlfriend or not?"
-ve
A: Conversation
E: There really isn’t much conversation. I’m not totally
sure how much she even understands me. No prospect at all of ever having interesting conversation or debate.
-ve
A: Emails and long texts
E: This is something I let go of but it does bug me. When
I have written emails or sent a long text, she hasn’t even had enough respect
for me to read them (fair enough she has to translate, but I find it
disrespectful to completely ignore someone when they’re trying to communicate
something important.)
-ve
A: Respect
E: I don’t feel highly respected. Messages go ignored... (she always says she's busy, but busy doing what...)
-ve
A: Nothing much in
common
E: Daft that after 8 years I can’t think what we have in
common. Okay, we are relaxed in each others company, drink whisky and coke, watch DVDs, go to the cinema, and that’s about it.
-ve
A: My parents are getting older
I know they'd love to see me happy with someone. If there's only slim chance of my girlfriend ever coming to England, then perhaps this is a strong reason for finding someone local (and a -ve on this relationship)? I've been fairly selfish (thinking of myself and not my parents) in this regards.
-ve
I know they'd love to see me happy with someone. If there's only slim chance of my girlfriend ever coming to England, then perhaps this is a strong reason for finding someone local (and a -ve on this relationship)? I've been fairly selfish (thinking of myself and not my parents) in this regards.
-ve
A: Truthfulness (lacking honesty in the relationship)
E: This must be a negative. The fact that I'm thinking this (the titular question) and we can't talk about it. Really, lack of communication dooms any relationship. That I don't feel I can be truthful with her is a big issue.
-ve
E: This must be a negative. The fact that I'm thinking this (the titular question) and we can't talk about it. Really, lack of communication dooms any relationship. That I don't feel I can be truthful with her is a big issue.
-ve
A: Personal Development
E: I think that a good relationship should personally develop both parties. If you're standing still you're going backwards. This relationship does not develop me personally.
-ve
A: Freedom and Sacrifice
E: I think these two go together. Freedom is great, yet for the right person you will sacrifice your freedom. For the right person, you will sacrifice anything. I don't feel enamoured enough to sacrifice everything (or even a lot) for her - this is a shame.
-ve
A: If she wasn't my girlfriend, would I want her to be?
E: Here I'd have to say no. Definitely, if we'd never got together, so we had no history, I'd definitely not want to be her boyfriend, I'd definitely not want a girlfriend who lives 5000 miles distant.
-ve
A: Would I be any worse off I didn't have this relationship?
E: If I was 100% single and I didn't have this relationship, I would not be any worse off. Not having a relationship with a girl I hardly ever see, who when I see her I find quite boring, who costs me money ... well, I cannot see how not having that makes my life any worse.
-ve
The Result
20 +ve, 13 -00, 23 -ve
There's no such thing as a perfect relationship. You'll never meet someone where everything is positive, there will always be negatives, just as your girlfriend will find negatives in you (I imagine my girlfriend could make up a similar list of negatives about me). I'd like to believe that a good relationship - one worth sticking at - has substantially more positives than negatives and that all important ingredient - communication. Relationships are complicated to understand.